This is an interesting question I read on IslamQA few days ago:
Question:
My eldest son was born premature and had many severe medical conditions and had to be kept in the hospital until he recovered.the doctor
Told us that he had a small chance of survival.since then we started to visit him less often and when i got pregnant with my second daughter we stopped visiting him completely.we got busy and slowly we forgot about him.we even stopped paying for his treatment.when he was 10 an official from the hospital visited us and told us he was cured.we brought him and since then he has been cold to us.he would not talk to us.the only time we saw him talk to was his doctor.hoping he would talk to us we changed doctors but it didnt work.the doctor that cured him treated him like a son.he would bring his daughter to play with my son and even taught him how to read and write and even the quran.we tried to prevent any interaction between them but it just got worse.when the doctor was on his deathbed he wanted to see my son but we prevented him from going and from then our son barely tolerated us.he was 13 at the time.since then we know he can barely tolerate our presence.when he was 19 he told us that he was marrying the daughter of the doctor that treated him.when we forbade it he said it didnt matter he wasnt asking for permission he was just informing us.my husband in anger asked him to get out of the house and he left.recently he visited us told us that his first son was born.since the visit i dont know what to do to reconnect with him.
Answer:
Praise be to Allah.
First of all, we will not hide anything from you or keep quiet about our feelings. We are shocked by what you and your husband did to your newborn infant.
You abandoned him in the hospital… You left him… And you carried on with your lives… without any sense of responsibility before Allah, first of all, then before yourselves and before society.
You went home and carried on with your lives, as if nothing happened, and you never shed a tear!
You carried on with your lives, as if nothing had ever happened, when he was your baby.
Let us assume that he died – would he not have deserved that you should bury him, then carry on with your lives?
But Allah decreed something else for your child.
Allah, the Most Kind, the Most Merciful, sent to him someone who would take care of your child in a way that most parents do not take care of their children.
Allah showed kindness to him, and sent this doctor to him, whose like is rarely ever found.
So tell me, by your Lord, how many people are there who are patient with their sick child, get medical treatment for him, look after him, raise him to adulthood, educate him, discipline him and teach him the Qur’an?
Glory be to the One who sent this doctor to this little one who had no hope of life and no hope of anyone to look after him!
Glory be to the One Who replaced his father with someone better than his father, and replaced his family with a family better than his family, and a place to live better than his own home, when he was still an infant, sick, with no hope of living or being of benefit, and no hope of anything good being expected from him.
Then this blessing, this free gift, came to you as a boy, having been educated, at the age of ten, and his doctor and caregiver told you that you are his family, his mother and his father, and he was only a trustee who had done his duty and had returned the trust to those to whom it belonged.
“Is there any reward for good other than good?
Then which of the Blessings of your Lord will you both (jinns and men) deny?”
[ar-Rahmaan 55:60].
“He does not show gratitude to Allah, who does not show gratitude to people.” (Hadith)
Would that you had only failed to give thanks to the one who gave you for free his efforts and his life and the apple of his eye, who gave you a son, and said to you: This is your son; he is not of my lineage and his benefit is not for me (in other words, he is all yours).
And all that he said was: Be kind to us with regard to him, allow us to meet him, show me some kindness and allow me to keep in touch with him.
But you refused except to treat him with harshness, and you responded to his kindness and his gift with the opposite, and you prevented two people who loved one another from meeting or seeing one another.
May Allah forgive you and guide you; how harsh you were towards the boy and his caregiver, who was better than his father. How severe was your lack of appreciation for his kindness and your ingratitude for this man’s favour!
What did you expect from this child?
Did you think that he would give precedence to the biological father – whom he did not know and never met or saw for ten long years, until he grew up and became a young man, having reached the age of discernment and been educated – or that he would love and honour with all his heart the “father” whom he knew and who had taken care of him and raised him?!
You did not have to wean him away from the doctor, his caretaker, in this cruel manner; indeed this was an extremely cruel cutting off of your child from that compassionate doctor, until he died, without allowing him to see his child before he departed this world.
Even crueler than that, you tried to erase from his mind all his remaining memories of the good times with his “family” under whose care he had grown up.
What harm would it have done you if you had helped him to get what he wanted and arranged his marriage to that girl?
He wanted to marry her either because he felt an attachment to her, or he wanted to show gratitude and appreciation for kindness and form a bond with their family. So what harm would it have done you, may Allah forgive you?
But all of that is in the past, and what happened has happened, and Allah decrees whatever He will.
Now, the only reason we have mentioned all of this, is so that you will realise – you and your husband – how grievous your mistake was and how it was compounded, one mistake followed by another.
But my Lord is Most Gracious, Most Merciful. So let the first thing you do be to repent to Allah – you and your husband – from what you have done:
“And ask forgiveness of your Lord and turn unto Him in repentance. Verily, my Lord is Most Merciful, Most Loving”
[Hood 11:90].
You should acknowledge the blessing that your Lord has bestowed upon you and your husband, when He gave you your son after the Shaytaan had sown seeds of dissent and prevented the family from reuniting.
“Certainly, my Lord is the Most Courteous and Kind unto whom He wills. Truly He! Only He is the All-Knowing, the All-Wise”
[Yoosuf 12:100].
The best expiation for what you failed to do of showing appreciation and for showing ingratitude instead, is to show the utmost kindness to this girl whom your son has chosen to be his wife. Show her the utmost kindness and honour her as much as you can, so that she becomes like a favoured and beloved daughter to her parents, and even more than that, for she is your daughter, and if you are people of dignity, you should return the favour that her father did to your son, if you can ever repay even a little worth mentioning.
Over and above that, she is the wife of your son, when he is the one whom you treated as you know. So you must show a great deal of kindness to them both, and take good care of them both, and try your best to take care of their well-being.
“Verily, the good deeds remove the evil deeds (i.e. small sins). That is a reminder (an advice) for the mindful (those who accept advice)”
[Hood 11:114].
We do not think you have any way to reach your son’s heart or to bridge the gap, or to bring the family together, except this. So praise Allah that your son, despite all of that, still possesses a remnant of sincerity, love of being in touch, and a desire to reunite with his family.
So bring him and his wife close to you, and strive hard to make him live near you, and keep in touch with them both constantly. Try hard, you and him, to forget the past and the pain of old memories.
We ask Allah to rectify your situation and reconcile you with your son and his wife, in the best way.
And Allah knows best.
